The Hallway Not Forgotten

Only a few days ago I was taken back to a memory that I would never forget, a promise also that I made to myself. It was a memory and promise that I put on the back burner because it brings in the feelings of sadness, fear, and uncertainity.

I will always remember the look on the sonographers face because I had seen it before. A look of "something is not right". The minute you see that from a sonographer or any doctor your heart drops. I don't care how many weeks you are at in your pregnancy it is the most horrible feeling in the world to hear any negative news about your baby. We were there for our twenty week sono when we learned that Lucas had two cysts on his brain. The sonographer didn't really give us much information and was very vague. When we got to the doctor he said it was choroid plexus cysts. The choroid plexus makes a fluid that protects and nourishes the brain and spinal cord. When a fluid-filled space is seen in the choroid plexus during an ultrasound, it is called a choroid plexus cyst. NO matter how much the doctor assured us that this is very common and that they see it in a lot of cases that turn out to be normal I was still panicked. Percentages in the past had never worked out in my favor. They had to send me to get a second opinion at another hospital. A second level sono. We made the sono appointment immediately. I could not deal with the stress of having to worry that something might be wrong with my baby. So we went to LIJ to get the second level sono to ease our minds.

Little did we know it would scare me even more. With such intense equiptment they picked up on the cysts along with a echogenic foci on the fetus heart. This is also known as a calcium deposit. So what does all this mean? We had two of the four most common 'soft markers' for a child with a disability. If a single marker is found the risk to the baby is increased and if more than one is found the risk increases further. They sat us down at a table and started throwing all these statistics and percentages at us and all I could think is my baby boy, my baby boy, oh my god please protect my baby boy.

I left that office feeling numb. As I was leaving I walked down a hallway that I didn't even notice going in. I will never forget the hallway or how I felt or what I thought. LIJ also houses Schneider Children's Hospital. We were walking down a hallway/a path that I hoped I would never have to walk down again. My heart literally ached for the parents that I saw through the windows hovering over the beds. I promised myself in that moment that when and if I had my healthy child I would help the people in this situation in some way.

This past week we took Lukey duke (Brookes loving name for her brother) to the doctor for a suspected ear infection. I had mentioned to the doctor again about the odd dent/pimple like mark on his forehead. I had noticed that it was growing some hair. My first thought was to laugh and think, hah we have a Tufano here! My grandmother has a similar type mole on her forehead. When I told the doctor that there was hair growing in it he showed more concern, which in turn made us show more concern and get nervous... The doctor has told us in the past to keep an eye on it-which I have. Now, he tells us we are going to have to get it biopsied when he gets a bit older. Right now, he would like us to take Lucas to a dermatologist. Gulp.

Just the thought of my children being harmed, sick, or hurt in any way shape or form makes my stomach turn. I can imagine staying strong for them but hurting so bad inside. I can imagine wanting to take the pain. I can imagine wanting and praying for it all to just go away.

So to those parents, in those rooms, in that hallway. I haven't forgotten and I will in some way...fulfill my promise, to in some way,shape or form help, even if just a little bit....and...... to my Lukey Duke mommy is going to be right here watching over you and that little mole and praying for only the best.